The Battle for Authenticity

Note from the Field
6-17-13
The Battle for Authenticity

    Now my note starts on the 19th as I did not write on these other days. I was too busy being authentic :) to write.
    As I was running this morning I was thinking about my search for authenticity and how “stuff” has gotten in the way. And by stuff I mean gear; shoes, coats, sunglasses, the paraphernalia of my life.
    I don’t think my initial purchase of blue Tigers Marathons got in the way of authenticity but they were the beginning of a persona that I have carried with me since then. Or sure I had a pair of adidas antelopes way back in the dark ages but that was before I understood shoes and how they “made” one look to others. My little baby adidas spikes that I still have today also seem to have been lost on me. I don’t recall being conscious of their importance to my ego when I was younger. But the blue Tiger Marathons now there was the beginning.
    By having the “right” pair of shoes I was putting my faith, as Arjuna’s cousin **** did in Krishna’s weapons and not in Krishna himself. As I strolled around the Jr. High at the beginning of 7th grade with my shoes tuck into the yellow Tiger bag like the mighty arrow of victory neatly stored inside it’s golden quiver. I felt apart from the other students. Here was “I” the runner, the one who will win the races and elevate myself from my humble stage as a snaggle toothed, black rubber glasses wearing hack from the dirt road side of town. The yellow bag symbolized my knowledge of the trade of running. I was one of them; like the older boys in high school. Or the even cooler ones in college or at the international level of running. No matter that I couldn’t figure out math or even how the ruler worked in the beginning level drafting class, I was one to be known. And I did succeed.
     Then, the next year with even more hupspa I showed up with a pair of the latest nike waffle trainers. Red with a white swoosh, their thirty dollar price tag out of the reach of most, the shoes had come to symbolize what I wanted to be; above the crowd, not in your league. I was destined for greater races then this jr. high cross-country. And amazing things did come my way. I ran across the Grand Canyon, North to South in one day. I traveled, as I did the year before, to the National Cross-Country Championships. I was a successful road racer, not only in my home town but also in my region.
    And the need for the right shoes increased. And with the need for the right shoes came the problem of image. Having the latest shoes also meant standing out to other runners. Talking smack about their kicks meant I had to produce on the track or the field. As the boys in the region got faster and the shoes became more obtainable by all my ability to produce decreased. My self-esteem began to falter. I wasn’t winning and no amount of shoe or style was going to change that. Injury lead to not training. Not training lead to excuses. Excuses lead to lower self-esteem. I began to lose my self-esteem and the only thing left where shoes that I wore, lazy style with the laces untied around campus because I had put enough “cred” in the bank that I could get away with not producing.
    As time went on and I went away to college my shoe habit changed to fit my new image. Birkenstock clogs, original UUg boots, L.L. Bean field boots; so out of sync with Wyoming. I still ran and I still had some of the new technology the shoes companies where producing. I still checked into Runner’s World and their shoe guide. But I had lost my desire to run, I had lost my authentic self in a world of consumerism. The split had come, I didn’t want to buy running shoes and so I didn’t want to run.
    But, I have run. I’ve run through all of the changes that shoe companies have developed. I’ve run through road racing and trail racing. I’ve run through adventure and travel. I’ve run in all the countries I have visited. And today, like last summer I seem to be coming home to my authentic self.
    This last few weeks I’ve been mostly running in Vibram 5 finger shoes and New Balance Minumus and both shoes have taken me back to being “rooted” to my passion, my true self, my authentic me. And it is not so much the shoes as the trail and the focus and my time spent inquiring into me, inquiring into the shoes and figuring out who I am, was and hope to be. I am a runner. My feet hit the ground. I wear shoes that create a feeling. Today I was thinking of going on line to look at buying another pair of the Minimus shoes but I stopped and asked myself why? Why do I need another pair when the ones I am wearing aren’t even broken down. Why? Because shoes seem to make me feel like I am a runner. If I get shoes, if I get the weapons, then I can face the battle. But in asking that question I stopped. Like Arjuna, instead I sought the counsel of Krishna and I can see that letting go of the old ways, the ways that don’t serve me, are my weapons upon which I can work with my fears.
    Shoes hide my rootedness to the ground. By giving up the desire to own, I place myself in a position of being authentic to myself as a runner. I don’t need the newest shoes to demonstrate my place in the lead pack. I need only to run and reflect, to praise God for the amazing country side that I am able to trot through. It is on the trail, on the road, that I find my authentic self, not in the shoe store.