Noticing with the Hoko One Ones

I was out running the Silent Trails loop today, as I often do now. And I have been really focusing on my breath and body sensations. I have become aware of how my thinking mind has influenced my running body. I am really coming into awareness about letting the exhale be my focus just as it is in meditation. I am finding more ease as I run this summer then I can remember. Just as in meditation when I notice too much discursive thought I label it “thinking” and then I return to the breath. And I am trying to do it when both good and bad thoughts come and stay for a while. It’s not that I try to stop thinking, what I am engaged in during this process is not continuing the conversation when I notice the thoughts arising. This is especially true when discomfort arises, such as when it starts to get hot on the trail. I notice that I’ll start to plan for shortening the route or I’ll internally comment on the distance to go or the speed at which I am running. And so my goal/intention during this time is to notice the underlying fear that comes up in all of these conversations, especially the ones involving being uncomfortable.  

Throughout today’s run I had been doing a good job of noticing thinking, returning to the breath, feeling with awareness what was going on in my body and letting go of the thoughts. Though it was starting to get warm I was closing in on 8 of the 10 mile course. I came through the forest and out to a small opening on the trail. The air was still and the sun was shining on the sand and rock covered ground. I noticed that the temperature had gotten warmer and I clicked on to how this area is usually hot at this time of the day. And then the shift occurred. I noticed that when I run this route the other direction this particular area is one of my favorite spots. When I cruz through here going the opposite direction I fancy this spot to be one that looks so Wyoming, so very Western. Going the other directions the rocks speak of the Rocky Mountains, the rise of the trail makes me think of horse back riding as a kid. But this direction I think of how hot the trail is and how much sun is radiating down on me. I don’t think of how iconic the trail looks, I see only the effects of the sun. And of course that’s the intention of the inquiry of yoga. What do I notice? I notice that from one angle I am running across paradise, from a different angle, I am running across hot rocks that reflect back the glare of the sun. 

And so, like Devarshi was talking about this morning with Kripalu, the geese and shit, or when I think about relationships or time on the mat or even the most beautiful trail in the woods, from one angle everything is wonderful and just as one would want and expect. But from a different angle that same object can be a source of resentment. And so for me it is the noticing; noticing judgement, notice the thinking, noticing how I am feeling and how everything looks different from the other direction. 

I decided to wear the old Hoko One Ones today. Its been a few months since I wore them last. I have been noticing some issues with the shoes. Did they lead to me having some shin issues while training for the marathon? Are they part of the reason I feel so spacey when I first set out to run? I have been enjoying and then paying the price for running exclusively in barefoot shoes and I don't want to stop putting in the big miles and so, I decided to notice how I felt while my "marshmallow" shoes today. I wanted to notice the dialogue between my head, my feet and the trail. And so for today I was into noticing the dialogue, the sensations, the feelings, notice the bones and muscles and notice throughout the practice how at different angles these same internal conversations, sensations, feelings and parts of the body can be so unique depending upon the angle of observation. 

The Battle for Authenticity

Note from the Field
6-17-13
The Battle for Authenticity

    Now my note starts on the 19th as I did not write on these other days. I was too busy being authentic :) to write.
    As I was running this morning I was thinking about my search for authenticity and how “stuff” has gotten in the way. And by stuff I mean gear; shoes, coats, sunglasses, the paraphernalia of my life.
    I don’t think my initial purchase of blue Tigers Marathons got in the way of authenticity but they were the beginning of a persona that I have carried with me since then. Or sure I had a pair of adidas antelopes way back in the dark ages but that was before I understood shoes and how they “made” one look to others. My little baby adidas spikes that I still have today also seem to have been lost on me. I don’t recall being conscious of their importance to my ego when I was younger. But the blue Tiger Marathons now there was the beginning.
    By having the “right” pair of shoes I was putting my faith, as Arjuna’s cousin **** did in Krishna’s weapons and not in Krishna himself. As I strolled around the Jr. High at the beginning of 7th grade with my shoes tuck into the yellow Tiger bag like the mighty arrow of victory neatly stored inside it’s golden quiver. I felt apart from the other students. Here was “I” the runner, the one who will win the races and elevate myself from my humble stage as a snaggle toothed, black rubber glasses wearing hack from the dirt road side of town. The yellow bag symbolized my knowledge of the trade of running. I was one of them; like the older boys in high school. Or the even cooler ones in college or at the international level of running. No matter that I couldn’t figure out math or even how the ruler worked in the beginning level drafting class, I was one to be known. And I did succeed.
     Then, the next year with even more hupspa I showed up with a pair of the latest nike waffle trainers. Red with a white swoosh, their thirty dollar price tag out of the reach of most, the shoes had come to symbolize what I wanted to be; above the crowd, not in your league. I was destined for greater races then this jr. high cross-country. And amazing things did come my way. I ran across the Grand Canyon, North to South in one day. I traveled, as I did the year before, to the National Cross-Country Championships. I was a successful road racer, not only in my home town but also in my region.
    And the need for the right shoes increased. And with the need for the right shoes came the problem of image. Having the latest shoes also meant standing out to other runners. Talking smack about their kicks meant I had to produce on the track or the field. As the boys in the region got faster and the shoes became more obtainable by all my ability to produce decreased. My self-esteem began to falter. I wasn’t winning and no amount of shoe or style was going to change that. Injury lead to not training. Not training lead to excuses. Excuses lead to lower self-esteem. I began to lose my self-esteem and the only thing left where shoes that I wore, lazy style with the laces untied around campus because I had put enough “cred” in the bank that I could get away with not producing.
    As time went on and I went away to college my shoe habit changed to fit my new image. Birkenstock clogs, original UUg boots, L.L. Bean field boots; so out of sync with Wyoming. I still ran and I still had some of the new technology the shoes companies where producing. I still checked into Runner’s World and their shoe guide. But I had lost my desire to run, I had lost my authentic self in a world of consumerism. The split had come, I didn’t want to buy running shoes and so I didn’t want to run.
    But, I have run. I’ve run through all of the changes that shoe companies have developed. I’ve run through road racing and trail racing. I’ve run through adventure and travel. I’ve run in all the countries I have visited. And today, like last summer I seem to be coming home to my authentic self.
    This last few weeks I’ve been mostly running in Vibram 5 finger shoes and New Balance Minumus and both shoes have taken me back to being “rooted” to my passion, my true self, my authentic me. And it is not so much the shoes as the trail and the focus and my time spent inquiring into me, inquiring into the shoes and figuring out who I am, was and hope to be. I am a runner. My feet hit the ground. I wear shoes that create a feeling. Today I was thinking of going on line to look at buying another pair of the Minimus shoes but I stopped and asked myself why? Why do I need another pair when the ones I am wearing aren’t even broken down. Why? Because shoes seem to make me feel like I am a runner. If I get shoes, if I get the weapons, then I can face the battle. But in asking that question I stopped. Like Arjuna, instead I sought the counsel of Krishna and I can see that letting go of the old ways, the ways that don’t serve me, are my weapons upon which I can work with my fears.
    Shoes hide my rootedness to the ground. By giving up the desire to own, I place myself in a position of being authentic to myself as a runner. I don’t need the newest shoes to demonstrate my place in the lead pack. I need only to run and reflect, to praise God for the amazing country side that I am able to trot through. It is on the trail, on the road, that I find my authentic self, not in the shoe store.